Points of Order: Ginsu v. the Spread (Week 3)

Not only did I take a beating in fantasy football,
losing all three of my games, my spread picks got
pummeled as well-- I went 5-11, bringing my 2007
record to 14-18. My week 3 picks:

Cardinals (+7.5) over RAVENS-- My spidey senses are
telling me to pick Arizona to cover.
Chargers (-4.5) over PACKERS-- Someone has to pay for
the beatdown the Bolts took in Foxboro.
Colts (-5.5) over TEXANS-- If Andre Johnson were
playing, I'd consider taking the points. Without him,
it's a no-brainer.
Vikings (+2.5) over CHIEFS-- I have no clue who the
Vikings' backup QB is. It really doesn't matter.
PATRIOTS (-15.5) over Bills-- The Patriots look
completely incapable of winning fewer than 13 games.
Dammit.
JETS (-3.5) over Dolphins
Lions (+6.5) over IGGLES-- One more improbable Philly
loss before the long and painful epilogue begins.
49ers (+8.5) over STEELERS-- This one should be
entertaining; the spread is way too high.
Rams (+3.5) over BUCCANEERS-- I'll put my virtual
money on St. Louis one last time...
BRONCOS (-3.5) over Jaguars
RAIDERS (-3.5) over Browns-- Because lightning doesn't
strike twice.
SEAHAWKS (-3.5) over Bengals-- Any time Shaun
Alexander wants to start churning out yards and TD,
I'll be here, because my C team is hurting.
Panthers (+3.5) over FALCONS
REDSKINS (-4.5) over Giants-- Unless Eli grows a pair.
Cowboys (+3.5) over BEARS-- Unless Chicago makes a QB
change.
Titans (+4.5) over SAINTS-- Unless the Madden Curse
arrives two weeks early.

Points of Order: Ginsu v. the Spread (Week 2)

I went 9-7 last week. Here are my picks for Week 2 (home team in CAPS):

PANTHERS (-6.5) over Texans-- I typed up a blurb about taking the home team underdog and the points. And then I realized that Carolina was the home team. Oops.

Bengals (-6.5) over BROWNS-- I typed up a blurb about taking the home team underdog and the points. And then I woke up.

Falcons (+10.5) over JAGUARS-- I don't give a shit where they play this game. It could be in the lobby of PETA headquarters and the line's still too high.

Packers (-3.5) over GIANTS-- Have you heard? The Giants' quarterback is faaaaaaaat...

Bills (+9.5) over STEELERS-- I believe in miracles. If Kevin Everett's prognosis could make a 180, if the Bills could cover against the Broncos last week, then they can cover against the Steelers, in the Ketchup Bottle.

RAMS (-3.5) over 49ers-- Because lightning can't strike twice. Even if Orlando Pace is done for the year.

Saints (-3.5) over BUCCANEERS-- Because Jeff Garcia and Carnell Williams are not Peyton Manning and Joseph Addai.

Colts (-7.5) over TITANS-- Normally, I'd like VY to cover this wide spread, but would you pick against the Madden Curse?

Seahawks (-2.5) over CARDINALS-- Because if the Cards couldn't beat the Niners...

Vikings (+3.5) over LIONS

Cowboys (-3.5) over DOLPHINS-- The Cowboys will have more trouble with traffic than they will with the Dolphins.

RAVENS (-7.5) over Jets-- The line isn't high enough for this game.

BEARS (-12.5) over Chiefs-- I can't wait to hear the freestyle rap about this one.

Raiders (+9.5) over BRONCOS-- I dunno, Oakland actually looked like something vaguely resembling a football team last week.

Chargers (+3.5) over PATRIOTS-- Not only do I have the Chargers with the points, I have them in another ESPN Pick 'em pool outright, as well as a money pool.

IGGLES (-6.5) over Redskins-- If the Philly does win, they may have to declare martial law in my hometown.

It's the most wonderful time of the year... unless you're a Browns fan

I'm guaranteed three more full days without despair as a Iggles fan, so I may as well use this opportunity to make some predictions about the upcoming NFL season:

NFC
East: Iggles
West: Seahawks
North: Bears
South: Saints
Wild Card #1: Cowboys
Wild Card #2: Panthers

AFC
East: Patriots
West: Chargers
North: Ravens
South: Colts
Wild Card #1: Broncos
Wild Card #2: Bengals

Super Bowl XLII: Iggles over Patriots, 27-23. Screw it. I've got $20 bucks on them at 15-to-1 odds. That'll go towards a next-gen console.

Also, I've bellied up to the proverbial bar: I have an entry in the Sports Guy Pick 'Em Challenge. Infinitely many wanna-be prognosticators are leaping at the opportunity to say they can outpick Bill Simmons himself in NFL games against the spread. I've never picked against the spread, but if his wife can beat him by a game. For those of you who wish to keep score at home, my entry is named 7-Point Underdogs. I'll be revealing my picks here as I make them and I will update my progress over the season, no matter how brutal. For starters:

COLTS (-6.5) over Saints-- This was a tough one. On one hand, the defending Super Bowl champions get to raise a banner at home to open the season; on the other hand, their Pro-Bowl starting left tackle retired. And then there's the defense, which I don't think can stop Brees, Colston, McAllister, and that one dude from USC. But Peyton can audible his way out of danger. I expect Joseph Addai to be picking up blitzes all night, until he covers the spread on a draw play late.

I'll do the rest of the games later in the week.