Points of Order: Ginsu v. the Spread (Week 3)

Not only did I take a beating in fantasy football,
losing all three of my games, my spread picks got
pummeled as well-- I went 5-11, bringing my 2007
record to 14-18. My week 3 picks:

Cardinals (+7.5) over RAVENS-- My spidey senses are
telling me to pick Arizona to cover.
Chargers (-4.5) over PACKERS-- Someone has to pay for
the beatdown the Bolts took in Foxboro.
Colts (-5.5) over TEXANS-- If Andre Johnson were
playing, I'd consider taking the points. Without him,
it's a no-brainer.
Vikings (+2.5) over CHIEFS-- I have no clue who the
Vikings' backup QB is. It really doesn't matter.
PATRIOTS (-15.5) over Bills-- The Patriots look
completely incapable of winning fewer than 13 games.
Dammit.
JETS (-3.5) over Dolphins
Lions (+6.5) over IGGLES-- One more improbable Philly
loss before the long and painful epilogue begins.
49ers (+8.5) over STEELERS-- This one should be
entertaining; the spread is way too high.
Rams (+3.5) over BUCCANEERS-- I'll put my virtual
money on St. Louis one last time...
BRONCOS (-3.5) over Jaguars
RAIDERS (-3.5) over Browns-- Because lightning doesn't
strike twice.
SEAHAWKS (-3.5) over Bengals-- Any time Shaun
Alexander wants to start churning out yards and TD,
I'll be here, because my C team is hurting.
Panthers (+3.5) over FALCONS
REDSKINS (-4.5) over Giants-- Unless Eli grows a pair.
Cowboys (+3.5) over BEARS-- Unless Chicago makes a QB
change.
Titans (+4.5) over SAINTS-- Unless the Madden Curse
arrives two weeks early.

Points of Order: Ginsu v. the Spread (Week 2)

I went 9-7 last week. Here are my picks for Week 2 (home team in CAPS):

PANTHERS (-6.5) over Texans-- I typed up a blurb about taking the home team underdog and the points. And then I realized that Carolina was the home team. Oops.

Bengals (-6.5) over BROWNS-- I typed up a blurb about taking the home team underdog and the points. And then I woke up.

Falcons (+10.5) over JAGUARS-- I don't give a shit where they play this game. It could be in the lobby of PETA headquarters and the line's still too high.

Packers (-3.5) over GIANTS-- Have you heard? The Giants' quarterback is faaaaaaaat...

Bills (+9.5) over STEELERS-- I believe in miracles. If Kevin Everett's prognosis could make a 180, if the Bills could cover against the Broncos last week, then they can cover against the Steelers, in the Ketchup Bottle.

RAMS (-3.5) over 49ers-- Because lightning can't strike twice. Even if Orlando Pace is done for the year.

Saints (-3.5) over BUCCANEERS-- Because Jeff Garcia and Carnell Williams are not Peyton Manning and Joseph Addai.

Colts (-7.5) over TITANS-- Normally, I'd like VY to cover this wide spread, but would you pick against the Madden Curse?

Seahawks (-2.5) over CARDINALS-- Because if the Cards couldn't beat the Niners...

Vikings (+3.5) over LIONS

Cowboys (-3.5) over DOLPHINS-- The Cowboys will have more trouble with traffic than they will with the Dolphins.

RAVENS (-7.5) over Jets-- The line isn't high enough for this game.

BEARS (-12.5) over Chiefs-- I can't wait to hear the freestyle rap about this one.

Raiders (+9.5) over BRONCOS-- I dunno, Oakland actually looked like something vaguely resembling a football team last week.

Chargers (+3.5) over PATRIOTS-- Not only do I have the Chargers with the points, I have them in another ESPN Pick 'em pool outright, as well as a money pool.

IGGLES (-6.5) over Redskins-- If the Philly does win, they may have to declare martial law in my hometown.

Points of Order: Ginsu v. the Spread (Week 1)

I have always wanted to do this.

I've picked every game in the NFL season before (even doing it with a success rate better than 60%), but now I'm cranking up the difficulty. I'm going to consider the point spread when making my picks.

A few hours ago, I broke into the win column by correctly predicting a cover by the Colts (-6.5) over the Saints. Here are my picks for the rest of the week's games (home team in CAPS):

Broncos (-3.5) over BILLS
Steelers (-3.5) over BROWNS
Iggles (-2.5) over PACKERS
Chiefs (+1.5) over TEXANS
Titans (+5.5) over JAGUARS
VIKINGS (-2.5) over Falcons
Patriots (-5.5) over JETS
RAMS (-1.5) over Panthers
Dolphins (+3.5) over REDSKINS
Lions (+2.5) over RAIDERS
Bears (+5.5) over CHARGERS
SEAHAWKS (-6.5) over Buccaneers
COWBOYS (-3.5) over Giants
Ravens (+3.5) over Bengals
49ERS (-3.5) over Cardinals

I'd write more, but it's late. Happy Kickoff Weekend!