Points of Order: Ginsu v. the Spread (Week 3)

Not only did I take a beating in fantasy football,
losing all three of my games, my spread picks got
pummeled as well-- I went 5-11, bringing my 2007
record to 14-18. My week 3 picks:

Cardinals (+7.5) over RAVENS-- My spidey senses are
telling me to pick Arizona to cover.
Chargers (-4.5) over PACKERS-- Someone has to pay for
the beatdown the Bolts took in Foxboro.
Colts (-5.5) over TEXANS-- If Andre Johnson were
playing, I'd consider taking the points. Without him,
it's a no-brainer.
Vikings (+2.5) over CHIEFS-- I have no clue who the
Vikings' backup QB is. It really doesn't matter.
PATRIOTS (-15.5) over Bills-- The Patriots look
completely incapable of winning fewer than 13 games.
Dammit.
JETS (-3.5) over Dolphins
Lions (+6.5) over IGGLES-- One more improbable Philly
loss before the long and painful epilogue begins.
49ers (+8.5) over STEELERS-- This one should be
entertaining; the spread is way too high.
Rams (+3.5) over BUCCANEERS-- I'll put my virtual
money on St. Louis one last time...
BRONCOS (-3.5) over Jaguars
RAIDERS (-3.5) over Browns-- Because lightning doesn't
strike twice.
SEAHAWKS (-3.5) over Bengals-- Any time Shaun
Alexander wants to start churning out yards and TD,
I'll be here, because my C team is hurting.
Panthers (+3.5) over FALCONS
REDSKINS (-4.5) over Giants-- Unless Eli grows a pair.
Cowboys (+3.5) over BEARS-- Unless Chicago makes a QB
change.
Titans (+4.5) over SAINTS-- Unless the Madden Curse
arrives two weeks early.

Points of Order: Ginsu v. the Spread (Week 2)

I went 9-7 last week. Here are my picks for Week 2 (home team in CAPS):

PANTHERS (-6.5) over Texans-- I typed up a blurb about taking the home team underdog and the points. And then I realized that Carolina was the home team. Oops.

Bengals (-6.5) over BROWNS-- I typed up a blurb about taking the home team underdog and the points. And then I woke up.

Falcons (+10.5) over JAGUARS-- I don't give a shit where they play this game. It could be in the lobby of PETA headquarters and the line's still too high.

Packers (-3.5) over GIANTS-- Have you heard? The Giants' quarterback is faaaaaaaat...

Bills (+9.5) over STEELERS-- I believe in miracles. If Kevin Everett's prognosis could make a 180, if the Bills could cover against the Broncos last week, then they can cover against the Steelers, in the Ketchup Bottle.

RAMS (-3.5) over 49ers-- Because lightning can't strike twice. Even if Orlando Pace is done for the year.

Saints (-3.5) over BUCCANEERS-- Because Jeff Garcia and Carnell Williams are not Peyton Manning and Joseph Addai.

Colts (-7.5) over TITANS-- Normally, I'd like VY to cover this wide spread, but would you pick against the Madden Curse?

Seahawks (-2.5) over CARDINALS-- Because if the Cards couldn't beat the Niners...

Vikings (+3.5) over LIONS

Cowboys (-3.5) over DOLPHINS-- The Cowboys will have more trouble with traffic than they will with the Dolphins.

RAVENS (-7.5) over Jets-- The line isn't high enough for this game.

BEARS (-12.5) over Chiefs-- I can't wait to hear the freestyle rap about this one.

Raiders (+9.5) over BRONCOS-- I dunno, Oakland actually looked like something vaguely resembling a football team last week.

Chargers (+3.5) over PATRIOTS-- Not only do I have the Chargers with the points, I have them in another ESPN Pick 'em pool outright, as well as a money pool.

IGGLES (-6.5) over Redskins-- If the Philly does win, they may have to declare martial law in my hometown.

Points of Order: Ginsu v. the Spread (Week 1)

I have always wanted to do this.

I've picked every game in the NFL season before (even doing it with a success rate better than 60%), but now I'm cranking up the difficulty. I'm going to consider the point spread when making my picks.

A few hours ago, I broke into the win column by correctly predicting a cover by the Colts (-6.5) over the Saints. Here are my picks for the rest of the week's games (home team in CAPS):

Broncos (-3.5) over BILLS
Steelers (-3.5) over BROWNS
Iggles (-2.5) over PACKERS
Chiefs (+1.5) over TEXANS
Titans (+5.5) over JAGUARS
VIKINGS (-2.5) over Falcons
Patriots (-5.5) over JETS
RAMS (-1.5) over Panthers
Dolphins (+3.5) over REDSKINS
Lions (+2.5) over RAIDERS
Bears (+5.5) over CHARGERS
SEAHAWKS (-6.5) over Buccaneers
COWBOYS (-3.5) over Giants
Ravens (+3.5) over Bengals
49ERS (-3.5) over Cardinals

I'd write more, but it's late. Happy Kickoff Weekend!

It's the most wonderful time of the year... unless you're a Browns fan

I'm guaranteed three more full days without despair as a Iggles fan, so I may as well use this opportunity to make some predictions about the upcoming NFL season:

NFC
East: Iggles
West: Seahawks
North: Bears
South: Saints
Wild Card #1: Cowboys
Wild Card #2: Panthers

AFC
East: Patriots
West: Chargers
North: Ravens
South: Colts
Wild Card #1: Broncos
Wild Card #2: Bengals

Super Bowl XLII: Iggles over Patriots, 27-23. Screw it. I've got $20 bucks on them at 15-to-1 odds. That'll go towards a next-gen console.

Also, I've bellied up to the proverbial bar: I have an entry in the Sports Guy Pick 'Em Challenge. Infinitely many wanna-be prognosticators are leaping at the opportunity to say they can outpick Bill Simmons himself in NFL games against the spread. I've never picked against the spread, but if his wife can beat him by a game. For those of you who wish to keep score at home, my entry is named 7-Point Underdogs. I'll be revealing my picks here as I make them and I will update my progress over the season, no matter how brutal. For starters:

COLTS (-6.5) over Saints-- This was a tough one. On one hand, the defending Super Bowl champions get to raise a banner at home to open the season; on the other hand, their Pro-Bowl starting left tackle retired. And then there's the defense, which I don't think can stop Brees, Colston, McAllister, and that one dude from USC. But Peyton can audible his way out of danger. I expect Joseph Addai to be picking up blitzes all night, until he covers the spread on a draw play late.

I'll do the rest of the games later in the week.

Fathers and Sons: Reid Family Drama

For once, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Andy Reid's biggest problem isn't clock management or his inability to call a running play on third and short. No, his biggest problem is the recklessness of his two oldest sons, Garrett and Britt, who got arrested on the same day over the offseason.

Naturally, Big Red's parenting skills were immediately brought into question, despite his reputation as a man of faith and discipline; it's hard to believe that he would have held Garrett and Britt to more lenient standards than the 53 men he parents on any given Sunday. Naturally, the same tenacity and work ethic that led to his success and subsequent acclaim as the winningest head coach in Iggles franchise history suddenly became viewed as liabilities relative to his role as the head of an American family. Naturally, Andy Reid spent the spring and summer under a cloud.

But whatever happened to free will? At last check, not only were these young men old enough to drive, they were flat out grown. That they were arrested on the same day seems like an awfully eerie coincidence. And then there are the goings-on of the last week, when Britt was arrested for driving under the influence and drug possession, resulting from an incident in the parking lot at a sporting goods store. A couple of days later, Garrett was placed under house arrest for failing a drug test.

'Tis pity that a child's failings unfairly get a parent labeled as a fuck-up, even when it's clear that the parent in question did their best to put the child in a position to succeed. Timing is everything, so certainly the relatively recent suicide of Tony Dungy's son doesn't help. America loves a good tipping point, even if two NFL coaching families do not make for a truly representative data set.

If Coach Reid were an average American parent, he probably wouldn't have gotten any ink for this, because the average American family has at least one problem child for at least a brief period of time, and sometimes forever. This happens even when the child finds him/herself within a loving, disciplined family structure-- especially when the child finds him/herself within a loving, disciplined family structure.

Many of us have seen it up close. It sometimes makes me fearful of starting a family of my own. If this is what's going to happen, why try? I can't imagine what's in the big guy's head and heart right now, but I know I'd probably consider going the route of Marvin Gaye Sr. or Ossie Davis' character from Jungle Fever. Garrett and Britt are behaving like snot-nosed, ungrateful sons of b-- Andy Reid's wife. It's a strange twist that in a world where sons often pay for the sins of the father, right now a famous father is paying for the sins of his sons.

Pilot

Welcome. Or should I say Caution?

I've been told I have a way with words, so I'd like to think this medium is right up my alley. I've been meaning to make it here for years, but my map was broken. I should have made a left at Albuquerque.

Anyways, I'm finally here. Now what, you ask? Well, now I really speak my mind, as I speak not necessarily only to a group of people who know me well enough, or people who have heard of me, but also to a world of strangers who might believe I might have something interesting to say. I have infinitely many opinions and I can even make a few of them interesting, but the burden is on me now to keep my words as interesting as possible.

I have no clue where this blog is going to take me, or even you readers. All I know is the path will be quite irreverent, infested with profanities, sprinkled with potentially offensive words like "douchebag", "fucktard" and "MILF". Some of my opinions are unpopular. Some of my tastes are outrageous. Physically, I subsist on meat and potatoes; emotionally I subsist on schadenfreude and movie quotes.

I probably should have dove in with a semi-captivating post, but I rely on structure. I felt the need to provide a bit of warning before I loose myself on the interwebs. Sides are going to burst. Feelings are going to get hurt. Horizons may be broadened-- if you're nearly as fucked up as I am. You will see quotes from Shakespeare, the Bible, and Tupac, perhaps all in one breath. (Or not; I tried this once and didn't quite make it.)

I don't know how this story will end, but I know one thing: if I bore you, the readers, I have failed.

My name is Ginsu. Welcome to my world. Rent is $4.